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October 25th, 2006
10:14 pm - come one, come all to this tragic affair
Title: The End
Author: inourblood
Rating: Erm...PG13...maybe?
Summary: Oh, you really couldn't guess from the title! ;)
Disclaimer: Yeah, this is just about as real as my belief that I can grow black angel wings and fly.
Dedications: To 003lastwords because she is just so amazing, and deathhairbrush for being such a wonderful friend to me all the time!
( And without you is how I disappear... )
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: My Chemical Romance - Dead!
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October 15th, 2006
12:51 am
Title: Breakdown
Rating: Meh, whatever
Summary: Ville's been having trouble coping with all the pressures of his life.
Disclaimer: What, you seriously think I own any of these most beautiful characters? I don't have an imagination good enough for that...
Author's notes: Based off an article I read in Kerrang! about Ville breaking down on tour in Japan.
( BREAKDOWN )
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June 18th, 2006
12:14 am - Time of Your Life - Songfic
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
“I’m sorry, Ville,” Migé said softly. “None of us wanted this to happen. I’m so sorry,”
The members of HIM were gathered in the kitchen, Migé, Linde and Ville around the table and Gas and Burton leaning against a worktop. Migé was clasping Ville’s hand reassuringly, and Linde was rubbing his back as he tried to stop himself crying.
Ville brushed tears from his eyes and shook his head slowly. This couldn’t be happening to him. It just couldn’t. He felt a comforting hand squeezing his shoulder gently.
“We’ll be right behind you, whatever you decide, Viltsu,” said Linde. “But you will have to tell him soon. It’s not fair on him if you put it off,”
The singer nodded in thanks. He didn’t trust his voice right now.
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time
“C’mon, let’s sort out those tears before he gets in,” Migé said, standing and taking Ville’s hand. “We’ll be in the bathroom if anyone needs us,” They left the kitchen together. When they came to the bathroom, Migé pushed open the door and sat Ville down on the toilet seat. He produced a couple of tissues from one pocket of his jeans and ran water over them from the tap.
“Th-thanks Mizee. This means a l-lot to me,” Ville stuttered, his breathing slightly erratic still.
“It’s no problem, Vilpertti. You know we’d all do anything for you, if you need us. And whatever you decide, we respect that, ok? Don’t worry about us. This is your thing to decide, and it really doesn’t matter, whatever you choose,”
Ville nodded, choking back more tears. Why did this have to happen to him? Why couldn’t it be someone else’s problem?
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
Migé dabbed at his friend’s eyes with the tissues, wiping away the smears where eyeliner had run down his cheeks. Then he brought out a kohl pencil and re-lined underneath Ville’s emerald green orbs. He stepped back slightly, as if admiring his work, and said, “There, beautiful again. Just don’t start crying, or it will run,” He smiled and slipped his hand around Ville’s shoulders. The singer attempted to smile back, but there was no humour in his eyes. “Let’s go wait for Bam,”
Ville stood slowly and walked down to the kitchen on shaky legs, Migé’s arm around his waist to support him. It was ridiculous how one thing could leave the normally cool, collected frontman trembling and sobbing like someone had died. And in a way, someone had. His heart had died as soon as he realised what might happen.
They only had a few minutes to wait before Bam came bounding in the front door, casually throwing his board in a corner with a clatter.
“Hey!” he said cheerfully, swinging round the kitchen door. Then he stopped, seeing the expressions on everyone’s faces. “What happened?”
“Do you want us to go outside, Ville?” Migé asked softly. Ville roughly shook his head, pulling the bassist’s arm back to where it had been resting across the table, lying on top of Ville’s own hand. Everyone was looking at Ville now, waiting for him to speak. He swallowed nervously.
“Bam, I just got a call from Seppo. He was speaking to the director of MTV. They know about our relationship,” Bam’s face was blank. The happy expression he had when he bounced through the door had been completely erased. “Oh Bam, they said that if we don’t break up and never see each other again, HIM will be dropped from the record label and you’ll lose your show! They want me to leave you!”
So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Now Bam was staring, stunned, into his eyes. His lip trembled slightly, but he held back the tears threatening to spring from his eyes. Bam Margera didn’t cry, ever.
“What do you mean?” he asked stupidly. Migé was looking at him with a mixture of pity and compassion on his face, and Linde’s eyes were red from where he had been rubbing the tears from them. Ville, on the other hand, had tears spilling down his face in floods, unnoticed by the singer.
“Bammie, I’m so sorry! I don’t want for this to happen! I don’t want to have to decide between the two things that I love most. I mean, I can’t leave you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. But it’s not fair on everyone else if I just give up on everything we’ve been doing for ten years!”
Bam came over and wrapped his arms around Ville. His voice sounded odd from where he was trying desperately not to cry. “I’m sorry too, Willa. I wish you didn’t have to do this. I wish…” he paused for a moment, realising the full impact of what he was about to do. When he said this, Ville would leave with his band. He would never get to hold him, never get to kiss him, hell, never even get to fuck him again. There would be no more mornings waking up wrapped in each other’s arms. There would be no more nights falling asleep with his head on Ville’s chest. There would be no more idyllic days spent just feeling content in his lover’s warm embrace. But he had to do it. He couldn’t let Ville give up everything he had worked on for ten years to achieve. “I wish you didn’t have to leave me,”
Ville looked up at him, his eyes red and puffy, eyeliner smeared down his face. “What?”
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while
Bam almost took it back, but he forced himself to do this, saying, “I’m not letting you give up everything you have with HIM just for me. You can find another person to love, and have a fun life away from me. I–“
Ville slapped him hard across the face. “Screw the band, Bam! You mean more to me than some fucking job! Don’t you think that I would love to spend the rest of my life with you? If I could, I fucking would! The only damn reason I even have to decide is because I can’t just say ‘screw HIM’ and leave all the others without a band,” They seemed to have forgotten that there was anyone else in the room. They both jumped when Migé spoke.
“Viltsu, I told you earlier, don’t worry about us. Whatever you decide, it’s just you who matters. We can find something else to do with our lives if it means you’ll be happy,” At this, Burton stood and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. With an apologetic look, Gas followed, shutting the door much more carefully.
Bam shook his head and said, “No. You can’t do that. It’s not fair on you or anyone else. Forget about me. Go enjoy your life,”
“You mean it, don’t you,” Ville said. It wasn’t a question. “You would actually give up everything we have so I can go and be a rock star?”
“I’d do anything to make you happy, Willa, and if that means giving you up, then that’s what I’ll do. At least I can still see you on the TV, even if I can’t see you in person,” His familiar grin popped back onto his face. “And no one says I can’t somehow manage to get a VIP ticket next time you tour,” Ville laughed through his tears. Bam always found a way to make him smile. He would hate leaving him.
“Is that r-really what you w-want, Bammie?” he asked.
“No. What I really want is to be with you forever and never let you out of my sight, but it’s what I should do. I don’t think I would be making anyone happy by breaking up HIM,”
Migé stood up and beckoned to Linde. “Let’s give them a few moments together,” He didn’t need to say ‘for the last time’ for Ville to know what he meant. The bassist cast him a sympathetic look over his shoulder before leaving the kitchen.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
As soon as they left, Ville flung his arms around Bam, holding him so tight he could have crushed him. “I’m so sorry, Bammie, I’m so sorry!”
“Hey, Willa, angel, don’t cry. It’s okay. You’ll still see me again, I promise. It’s okay,” Bam stroked small circles on his back, whispering comforting words. Then he lifted Ville’s face up to his own, closing his sapphire eyes and moving in slowly. Their lips connected with a spark of electricity, feeling so right together, as if they were meant for each other. Ville opened his mouth and Bam’s tongue slid in, exploring the whole cavern of his mouth. This would be their last ever kiss, their last ever time holding each other so tightly. Their last ever moment just together, as if nothing in the world mattered other than their love.
All too soon, Migé and Linde returned, with Burton and Gas in tow. They broke apart, Ville hiding his face in the crook of Bam’s neck. Bam had his cheek resting on Ville’s soft hair, hair that he would never touch again. Tears were pouring down his face in rivers. Bam Margera was crying. For the first time since he was a child, he was crying.
And then he gazed into Ville’s deep green eyes. And then they pulled apart. And then he had to leave. Had to leave and continue his life without his lover. There was an empty, lonely feeling in the pit of his stomach, one that he knew he would never shake away.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
Bam accompanied him to the front door, where a car was waiting to take them back to the airport, back to Finland, out of Bam’s life. They held hands for as long as possible, before finally pulling apart. Bam raised his hand to wave goodbye, then was hit with a bundle of Ville.
“I don’t want to leave you!” he cried, holding on for dear life. Bam attempted to prise his arms away, all the time whispering soft words. “Ville, Willa, baby, you have to let go now. You have to go now angel. Let go now,” Eventually he released his hold and collapsed to his knees. Migé and Linde lifted him gently and carried the distraught singer to the taxi.
As the engine started, Bam felt his legs carrying him forward. He was nearly level with the car, nearly touching the window where Ville’s hand rested in a final farewell, and then the cab pulled away. Ville stared morosely out of the back window, and as his gaze met Bam’s, he kissed his hand and blew the kiss to the skater. Bam repeated the action and waved sorrowfully until he could no longer see the car. Until his Ville was gone forever.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
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12:11 am - Suicide Isn't Painless
“Bam!” I cried. “Bam, don’t do this please!” I couldn’t believe what was happening right before my eyes as I saw my beloved Bam standing there, about to throw his life away.
He turned to me with bloodshot eyes, his body trembling. It was breaking my heart to see him like this. I longed to be by his side, to kiss all his pain away and hold him close. I longed for things to be as happy as they had been an hour ago, when it was just him and me together in that room.
I sat down close to him, gazing into those beautiful blue eyes, so deep, so piercing. I knew I had to say this. I’d been waiting to say this one sentence ever since I’d first met him, those many years ago.
“Bam?” I started. I had wanted to say these three words since that first day we had spent together in the park, but I had never before had the courage. Now as I stared into his sapphire eyes, all I could think about was telling him.
He looked down briefly, before returning his gaze to my own face. He had a curious look on his face, and I wondered if he had been thinking the same way as me. I didn’t care if he didn’t have those same feelings for me. We could still stay friends and I would learn to get over him, but first I had to know.
I felt the tension building in my chest, threatening to suffocate me unless I told him at last. I cleared my throat, suddenly finding the sentence that had been playing over and over in my mind so impossible to say.
“I…I…ha…have to tell you something,” I said, stumbling over my words. He still looked at me with that intense, expecting expression. I couldn’t believe that this was so hard now I was coming to say it. “I…I…think…that is…I…I love you,”
There. I had finally said it. His expression changed from curious to a look of disbelief.
“What did you say?” He asked, shock clear in his voice.
“I…love you?” Oh fuck! I’d just screwed up. Quick, think of an excuse…”I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that. It was the alcohol, I’m feeling a bit tipsy,”
Bam smiled at me and said, “I love you too.” I laughed loudly. He was joking. Just like I was pretending to be. His face suddenly looked hurt, and he ran from the room. I followed as fast as I could, up several flights of stairs, not able to catch up with him.
I emerged onto the rooftop to see him standing on the edge with at least three hundred metres between him and the ground and I realised with growing dread what he was about to do.
My beloved Bam just stood there for a moment, before turning back to face the edge, his whole body now violently shaking. I felt my heart shatter into a thousand tiny fragments to see the pain that I had caused my darling.
“Bam, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please, come away from the edge!” I called to him. I was so stupid. He had been serious and I had just mocked him. I didn’t realise it had mattered so much to him.
“No” the word floated back to me on the breeze. “You should never have told me that shit if you weren’t serious!” I could hear the hurt in his voice.
“Bam, I thought you hated me for saying that. I was covering up for the mistake I thought I’d made!” He turned back to face me, his cheeks soaked with salty tears. “I love you Bam…please, come back to me! I don’t know what I’d do without you!”
“You’re just saying that! You don’t love me back! If you did, you’d never have laughed at me!” I didn’t know I’d caused him so much pain. I didn’t know I could have hurt him so much.
“I’m being serious, Bam, my darling! I would do anything for you! Just please come away from the edge.” I didn’t dare go closer. I didn’t want to push him. He started to lean backwards. I couldn’t just stand here any longer. Not when my sweetheart was about to take his life and leave me. I ran as fast as I could. I could feel his cold skin slipping away from my hand.
I lunged forwards, practically throwing myself over the edge for my darling. I clenched my eyes shut. I couldn’t bear to see Bammie falling. I felt his hand gripping my wrist. I cautiously opened my eyes.
My dear, sweet Bam was clinging onto my hand, dangling over the edge of the building. I held his hand tightly. I couldn’t let him fall.
“Don’t let go Bam! Please, hold on!” I practically screamed. I was terrified that I might lose my beloved, my darling, my life and soul, my sweet, sweet Bammie. Pulling as hard as I could, I got him onto the rooftop and hugged him close. My beautiful Bam was back safe with me.
“I’m so, so sorry Ville!” Bam sobbed as I held onto him.
“Please, don’t be.” I said. “I shouldn’t have laughed at you. I can’t believe I nearly lost you! I don’t know what I would have done if you’d jumped. I couldn’t bear to live without you!” I could still feel him trembling in my arms as I knelt down on the roof, still holding him, and began to cry.
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12:07 am - Valentine's Day
VALENTINE'S DAY
I look at the small object nestled in the palm of my hand. It was exactly a year ago today that he had died. A year ago that I had last held him. A year ago that I had last allowed myself to be held. A year ago that we had been happy together, now gone.
Since then I seemed drawn into irrepressible depression, sadness that no one can take away from me. I withdrew to my room, withdrew into myself. I stopped talking to my friends and family for anything more than a few words. It was a year ago that I last allowed myself to smile.
I could tell that everyone was worried for me. I knew they thought they were losing me. All the time I had was spent in my room, skating, or going for long walks that saw me still outside well into the next morning, all the while lost in my grief. I had stopped eating properly. The meals that I did have consisted of a few mouthfuls before I retreated to my room again. I just couldn’t see them looking at me in that way. Thinking that I was some sort of mental case.
Which I know they did. They tried to send me to a shrink once. I refused. There was nothing wrong with me. Nothing apart from grief. I had near worshipped him, and he had been taken from me.
The worst part of it, the reason I felt so depressed, so guilty, was that I wasn’t even there. He was all alone, no one to hold him and promise it would be all right, when he died. I can never forgive myself for that. It was my fault that he went out. My fault he died.
Why did he have to die? Three years. Three years we had been together. As a couple. We were both so happy. At least I thought we were. And the one guilty for his death, the one who took my sweet boyfriend away from me, got away with it. He murdered my boyfriend and got away with no charge.
I spent weeks trying to find him. Weeks that I would be out for sometimes four days at a time with no sleep, just so I could find him and hurt him for all the pain that he caused me. For all the pain that he caused my love. Only exhaustion, and the realisation that life is so unfair, returned me home, shaking off my mother’s embrace and the mock cheerful greetings of my friends. I felt like I had abandoned him. I felt guilty for not avenging his death.
One by one my friends would come up to my room, come to find me, to attempt to shake me out of my depression. One by one they would realise that it was no use and walk away from me. From my life. Knowing that only if they could bring him back would I be happy again. That was impossible.
I refuse to kill myself though. I refuse to take my own life for some reason so shallow as my seemingly endless misery. I know he wouldn’t want it, and what good would it do anyway. It would only make the one who did this to him completely free. No one would care that he wasn’t innocent once I’m gone. No one would avenge my lover’s death.
I still can’t speak his name even now. I can’t even think it. Sometimes I feel like I am betraying him, but the pain is too much. Too recent. Sometimes I want to scream, to scream out his name, let the world know how much I miss him. To scream so much that he will be able to hear me, be able to come back to me.
But that can never happen. He can never come back. So I stare at the small ring in my hand. Think about the day he was taken from me.
Valentines Day.
The day when my heart was broken.
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12:03 am - Look! I can write fluff! sort of...
FLUFFINESS (NO OTHER TITLE)
April 25th 2006, London Brixton Academy.
I winked at Bam standing in the middle of the crowd. He always preferred to be down there instead of waiting backstage for me. I think he liked the atmosphere more or something along those lines. Several girls surrounding him swooned, each thinking the wink was meant for them.
“Won’t you die tonight for love,
Baby, join me in death,” I sang, staring at my boyfriend.
The closing notes rang through the close air of the hall, multicoloured lights following them down. I was just about to open my mouth again for the ‘thank you, you’ve been a brilliant audience’ when a commotion caught my eye. Someone was trying to force their way past the security guards to get up on stage, and by the look of it they were putting up a good fight.
“Hey, Ville, will you tell these assholes to get off me?”
I recognised the cute accent at once. My eyes flicked to the place where he had been standing before, but he wasn’t there. Some people stared and pointed. No one had left yet; all of them were to interested in what Bam was trying to do.
Of course, none of them had any idea that we were together yet. I had been tying to get Bam to tell someone for about a year now. The secret love had been fine for a while, stolen kisses when no one was looking, running off together when everyone was busy. Bam had acted the same way he normally did, and if any of my band mates had noticed a difference in me, they hadn’t mentioned it.
But eventually it got tiring, having to disappear away from everyone if we so much as wanted to whisper ‘I love you’. Having to conceal our relationship from those we loved. I couldn’t break things off with Jonna without anyone finding out, and that technically meant I still had a fiancé. I had been trying so hard to postpone the wedding. I couldn't marry her now I knew I loved Bam.
Finally he persuaded me to do it. I can still remember her screaming, throwing things at me.
“Listen, Jonna, there’s something I have to tell you,” I began. She stopped crawling over the bed towards me, and sat up on her knees, still staring at me in that lust-filled way. “I can’t marry you,”
For a moment there was silence, like the calm before the storm, and then came the gale that destroyed so much.
“What do you fucking mean you can’t marry me Ville Valo?” I ducked a vase that smashed into the wall where my head had been resting a moment earlier. “I thought you loved me. I thought you said you would die for me? Or was that just another lie?” I jumped out of the way of a beautiful ornament I had bought her for her birthday, which smashed just like the vase. “Who is it? WHO FUCKING IS IT? What makes her so much better than me?” She used my silence to throw the phone at me. It hit me in the side of my head, making little stars pop before my eyes. “Why do you always fucking lie to me? How long has it been going on, Ville? How long have you been fucking her brains out?”
“It’s a he, not a she,” I said almost inaudibly.
“What?” Her voice was deathly silent. I didn’t reply. “WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY?!”
It was terrifying how a woman’s anger can make any man tremble, but when it’s another man it wouldn’t remotely worry me.
“I said it’s a he, not a she,” Now it was her turn to remain silent.
For a moment only.
“You fucking fag! I can’t believe you Ville! It was so fucking obvious, you’re a puff! You like sucking cock? Want me to do something to help you with that?” She took a carving knife from the kitchen. Jonna advanced towards me, holding the knife in a threatening position. I did what any sensible person would have done. I ran.
We hadn’t told anyone since.
I waved the guards aside, and Bam came up on stage. He looked so beautiful with his hair ruffled up, adrenaline rushing through his body. I stood in stunned silence. What was so important that he had to tell me like this? Still, no one had moved. I realised the microphone was still on, but the roadies seemed frozen in place.
Suddenly, he kissed me. For a moment I just stood, frozen in place, then my automatic reflexes took over. I ran my hands up his back, tangling my fingers into his hair, my tongue seeking entrance to his mouth. I heard gasps and whispers of shock from the crowd. His mouth opened, and our tongues swirled together in an elaborate dance.
Then, just as suddenly he pulled back. I could see Linde and Migé behind him looking at me as if I had grown two heads. He grabbed the microphone and pulled it over, so it was facing us. Then he produced something from his pocket that I couldn’t see.
“Close your eyes,” he instructed. I shut them tight, worried that this would be some sort of joke.
“Bam Margera, if this is a trick, I will fucking kill you,” I heard a couple of people laugh slightly.
“Open your eyes again,” he said. I did. He was down on one knee in front of me, the small something opened to reveal a beautiful ring, shaped like a heartagram and engraved with black, green and blue jewels in a wonderful twisting, twirling pattern. I couldn’t catch my breath.
“I love you Ville. I want to be with you every moment of my life. I want to wake up by your side, and fall asleep knowing that I’m holding you in my arms. I would die for you. I would do anything you ask me to.
“Ville Hermanni Valo, will you marry me?”
Tears threatened to fall from my eyes. My breathing was shallow and quick. Bam looked up at me, blue sapphire eyes meeting my own emerald green. There was something of desperation flickering in his gaze.
“Oh god Bam, yes! Yes I will marry you!”
This was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I could hear cheers and screams and applause coming from the audience, none of whom had yet left. I wrapped my arms around Bam and led him to the edge of the stage, throwing their hands up in the air to more screaming. Some girls were crying, and one man was yelling, “Go to hell, bloody fags!”
Bam made a hand gesture and the man fell silent.
“I love you Bam. So much.”
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April 1st, 2006
12:20 am - Story to make wicked_glamour cry
ok...I wrote this a while ago, and like everything I write, it is a one-shot deathfic that has made people cry. I remember a while ago I requested exactly the same thing, and people were so helpful, so I'm gonna try and help you. It's the best one I've got at the moment, but there are other unwritten ones that I'll try to post soon.
( IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT )
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January 27th, 2006
09:36 pm - A TALE OF TWO, PART 5
So, basically for everyone who knows me, my ex, Raph, decided he was gonna ask me out again, after calling my best friend a whore with no customers, insulting me in every way under the sun and saying that going out with me was the worst mistake of his life...and of course having a fire doesn't really help with the updating side of things...anyhoo...here's the next part of my story...
( PART 5 - PAINFUL MEMORIES )
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January 22nd, 2006
09:01 pm - When Love and Death Embrace
Pairing: Vam
Rating: I can't rate things...find out for yourself
Summary: Short one-shot. Ville desperately wants to tell Bam his secret...inspiration taken from HIM lyrics
( WHEN LOVE AND DEATH EMBRACE )
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08:57 pm - A Tale of Two
Pairing: Vam
Summary: An unfortunate incident causes the meeting of two people who are destined for each other. They just don't realise it yet.
Disclaimer: I don't know or own either of them (sadly), and if this ever happened, I wouldn't be sitting here writing it. You'd get a wideo instead!
Rating: fuck knows...its different all the way through. You'll just have to read it and work it out...
Dedications: My wonderful beta, silenceisacrime, and my friend Charlotte for coming up with the title (although she wanted it to be "A Tale of Two Villages", Village being Ville's child...french sucks...)
( A TALE OF TWO, CHAPTER 1-4 )
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